Counselling with Fiona Price

Human beings are wired to connect. Experiments have shown that even mild rejection/exclusion can cause excruciating pain in people. One experiment had people kick a ball to each other and then find someone else in a park and kick the ball to them. When they stopped including that other person in the ball game that person felt pain. Another experiment at a conference everyone was put into small groups told the activity was about exclusion/rejection. Even so, the person who was excluded felt pain. 

How we respond to the pain in relationships is heavily influenced by our attachment style. Our attachment patterns were developed in infancy. These patterns of attachment are not only embedded in our beliefs but also in our somatically. 

Many of these patterns were developed preverbally as babies. Hence, the patterns activate through emotions and the felt sense in our bodies. A sense of numbness, tenseness, panic, fear, sadness, longing or other. These feelings impact how we respond to our partner. These strong feelings can also skew how we interpret our partners, words and actions. These patterns are not easy to change but it is possible to change them.   

There are four main attachment patterns: secure, avoidant, anxious, preoccupied and disorganised.  

The anxious preoccupied pattern is when the person is hypervigilant to signs or perceived rejection. If their partner withdraws, they feel intense panic, pain, fear and sadness. Because these feelings are so intense it can be hard to communicate and hold empathy for their partner. Out of fear they may become demanding towards their partner. 

The anxious avoidant pattern is when a person deactivates their attachment system. They numb out, they don’t flag relationships as “important”. They may label their partner as “too needy”. The person in the avoidant pattern is also overwhelmed. They also strongly fear intimacy, being smothered and being rejected. However, their way of dealing with these strong feelings is to numb their feelings and distract themselves with other things. This is their way of self soothing. 

Often anxious and preoccupied people end up in a relationship with an avoidant partner. It seems that the anxious preoccupied person who can go to extremes to maintain intimacy deeply wants closeness. But in fact both styles are deep down afraid of intimacy. However, this pattern allows each partner to blame the other one. The AA person can withdraw and blame the AP for being too demanding. The AP can blame the AA for not being available. 

However, if you want to heal your attachment style ultimately you need to look at your own pattern and learn how to self-sooth. 

There is also a disorganised attachment style this is where you are a mix of avoidant and anxious preoccupied. 

Securely attached people believe that other people will be there for them. They are able to ask for their needs directly and they expect that others will consider their needs.  Securely attached people are emotionally regulated most of the time so they can mentalise. Mentalise is where you can “think about thinking” or “think about emotions”. “I notice I am starting to assume that they don’t love me, what is that about?”.  Securely attached people feel safe with intimacy and with separateness. They can simultaneously hold empathy for themselves and for others. Securely attached people are not perfect. They have their moments. Securely attached people love themselves and are their own parents/therapists. They have a caring relationship with themselves. 

It is possible to break out of these painful patterns of relating. Becoming secure after originally being insecure is called “Earned security”.  You can learn to have a secure, committed, loving, calm relationship with yourself and others. We can change these patterns, but it requires attention to both cognitive and somatic (bodily) patterns that occur when we are in a relationship. I will write about how to develop earned security in a future blog.

Thanks for reading! Fiona